Friday, February 22, 2019


NZ Herald, November 3, 2026

Neve Adern, Beehive Reporter, Wellington

New Prime Minister Nikki Kaye confirmed today that the National Coalition Government will retain the CGT introduced in 2021 as well as the 20%GST and 41% top income tax rate, despite Labour attacks that these would be reduced or even eliminated for “rich pricks”.

Kaye dismissed these attacks as “pitiful” and said that while National had argued strongly against the taxes at the time, the nation’s financial situation meant that sources of revenue were at a premimum.

Kaye also confirmed that the National coalition government would retain the special Green-Labour Healthcare and Welfare spending programs passed earlier this year under the Vote For us for Free Stuff Act. This, plus a generous, multi-billion dollar contribution from Great Wall Medical Care in Beijing, will mean that the Zhumao Hospital (formerly Middlemore), and other hospitals in Auckland can remain open while more doctors and nurses are brought in from Nepal and Yemen to service the rural areas of New Zealand.

"The rural demand is expected to be only temporary", said Ms. Kaye, "as the population in those areas continues to age and shrink. After which those nurses and doctors can be re-deployed to our cities".

In what is being seen as strong support for this plan, John Key, Chairman of Agricorp, announced that the company would soon be providing its own health care service for its employees once the last few hundred family dairy farms had been taken over and added to the seven thousand that Agricorp already runs.

"Clearly these were small, uneconomic units", said Mr Key, "but with the synergies and scale Agricorp has, we're confident that we can run them efficiently with our young Indonesian workforce, and the older farmers will find their health and welfare needs well taken care of by the new National-led government".

There have been reports emerging from remote parts of the country, that Agricorp has been using strongarm tactics in buying the remaining small dairy units, but both Mr Key and Ms Kaye dismissed these as rumours.

"I'm confident in the leadership provided by our Rural Emissions Defenestration Squad led by former Speaker Trevor Mallard", said Mr Key. Mr Key also pointed out the hysterical nature of these reports which included stories of Apache helicopter gunships menacing farmers, "It's laughable given that Wing Loong IV drones have much lower running costs".

Ms Kaye also dismissed rumours that Agricorp might soon be given a security contract to assist the Police in South Auckland.

Meantime, another $5 billion has been allocated to NZ First’s “Super-horse” and “Super-tree” breeding programs. Deputy PM and NZ First leader, Shane Jones - speaking slowly following surgery on the lower base of his skull last month - said that many people would be grateful for this and hailed the great leadership and careful wisdom shown by Winston Peters between 2017 and 2026 before his retirement as NZ First leader earlier this year.

Mr Peters – seen standing behind Jones operating a small electronic gaming device – would only say that he was enjoying his retirement on the back benches.


The Veteran said...

Tom ... you have excelled your good self. But you didn't mention that Judith Collins, the newly elected Labour Party leader, had been arrested following her attempt to burn the Beehive Reichstag down. Her Deputy, a Ms Metiria Turei, had vowed to give up shopping for a week as a protest against her incarceration.

pdm said...

Tom - this post should carry a health warning.

It is not good for my dicky ticker as I think of that old saying - many a true word said in jest.

The Realist said...

Tom forgot to mention President Harawira

Snowflake said...

You should leave satire to those who are actually good at it Tommy. Anyway let’s sum up your arguments against CGT to date, as they’re hilariou:

1. Cunt (this is the best and most cogent of the lot)
2. I once invested a moderate sum in a company that failed therefore CGT sucks
3. The US tax code is a mess, therefore CGT sucks
4. The Nats will realise it’s working and leave it in place and that means CGT sucks (or this might just be an acknowledgement that the Nats are duplicitous, cowardly and visionless, in which case, hey welcome aboard).

Your points are better than those of Gravetodger (Cullen got a scholarship and therefore is obligated to adopt and promote the ideological positions of his former benefactors), and Adolt (CGT=NAZI!!!). However, you need to up your game chum.

Tom Hunter said...




Yawn..... (scratches balls).

Snowflake said...

You have nothing? At all? Yet you’re usually so loquacious, bombastic even, in defence your righteous rightness. I’m saddened, Tommy. You had such high hopes for you, and you’ve given up already. Give us another film review!

Tom Hunter said...