Saturday, August 24, 2019

Saturday Humour

Just sighted on facebook and thought it worth sharing - hopefully to brighten someones day.

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.


Adolf Fiinkensein said...

No 23 is outstanding. On so many levels.

Kimbo said...

Hmm. Sounds more like a TV script that ends with,”And it’s ‘Goodnight’ from me”. “And it’s ‘Goodnight’ from him”. British toilet humour of the 1970s - the cultural apex of literary development and civilisation for some. πŸ˜‚. They don’t like it up ‘em, Captain Mainwaring!

pdm said...

It wa posted on face book under the nom de plume of `The Dogs Bollocks'. Sometimes they have some good stuff like this and others are just plain crude and unrepeatable in my books.

Adolf Fiinkensein said...


The Two Ronnies and Dad's Army were hardly toilet humour. You are confusing them with Benny Hill which assuredly was.

Kimbo said...

No problem, pdm. And far be it from to to say you should draw the line at Mr Humphries intoning in a camp accent, “I’m free!”, while segueing into the mention of Mrs Slocombe’s pussy. 😳

Tom Hunter said...


Yeah - by the 1980's even the British comedians had realised that, as this famous clip from Blackadder IV, Private Plane, demonstrates:

The Red Baron:
'How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you it is the basis of an entire culture.'

Kimbo said...

Sorry, Adolf. I defer to your both the genres! Is the reason the French sense of humour is so poor - they have no term for double entendre πŸ˜‚

Kimbo said...

@ Tom Hunter

Ah, yes. Knew you would get the reference from the more cerebral Goons/Python/Young Ones/Blackadder school of British humour. As Captain Blackadder said when General Malchett opined the coming Western Front offensive would administer the greatest rout since the Winchester flower-arranging team beat Harrow 12 sore bottoms to one... “British public school education, you can’t beat it!”. πŸ˜€

Kimbo said...

But I am partial to the Northern English and Jewish Vaudeville of Morecambe and Wise. Best use of a straight-guy acting as a foil to set up another comedian for the punchline. Even better than Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, or Abbott and Costello. IMHO.

Stephen Fry once did a good job of comparing the difference between American and British humour. In the American version, in keeping with the victory of cultural Arminianism/optimism over Calvinism/human inability that occurred on the American frontier from the beginning of the 19th Century on, the joke punchline is usually about how the guy succeeds.

In contrast, in Britain, where failure is celebrated, indeed deified, the joke is about how the subject is a complete and utter stuff-up.

Adolf Fiinkensein said...

Yes, I'd forgotten about 'Are You Being Served?'

Lord Egbut Nobacon said...

Kimbo...just can't help running down the French can you. But it's a part of the agenda

As you seem to be fluent in google translate.....

You will love this bloke and may have to revise your opinion...

Kimbo said...

Hmm. Eggie, it would seem you have confirmed your name describes what is on your face. The French, including their magnificent comedy were not the target of my comment - which was an unoriginal rip-off of the apocryphal (google it!) George W Bushism, “the French have no word for ‘entrepreneur’”.

So how does it feel to be as demonstrably W was alleged to be? πŸ˜³πŸ˜‚

Lord Egbut Nobacon said...

Stay out of conversations you don't understand Kimbo/Chunter. Suddenly they have gone from poor to magnificent and they do have a word for entrepreneur.

Without access to your data base the readership have no idea what you are trying to convey. How does it feel to be a poor misunderstood yank out of his depth?

Anonymous said...

Egbut nothing goes over your head does it, your reactions are just too quick.

Stop digging.


pdm said...

Spare me - how can a thread based on humour degenerate into a battle of damaged ego's.

Egbut and Kimbo if you don't have something positive to say please go somewhere else and abuse each other.

Paranormal - don't wind them up.

Anonymous said...

Sorry pdm, I was alluding to this:

Just to show there is still humour out there.


Kimbo said...

@ Paranormal


@ pdm

Sorry, your thread, but I thought it was genuinely funny a supposed Francophile (google it!) didn’t know “ double entendre” was French. πŸ˜‚πŸ‡«πŸ‡·πŸ₯–πŸ·πŸ“

RosscoWlg said...

Congratulations Paranormal..I reckon that has got to be the best one line on NM, bar none.

Chortled for a good 5 minutes....That is clever without a doubt!