Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Wine Writers

There is little chance of finding more pretentious wankery anywhere other than within the comments written by so-called wine experts.

It seems people who want apricots go and foolishly buy sauvignon blanc, hoping for a whiff of their favorite fruit. Others, similarly gullible, rush off to buy Cabernet Sauvignon when what they really want is half a kilo of blackberries.

Here's a typical example.

2007 Sauvignon Blanc - 100% varietal, this fruit forward wine is bursting with aromas of sweet apricot and citrus, and a faint hint of mineral. The delicate palate reveals ripe grapefruit, lemongrass, and a gently herbaceous lingering finish. Magnificent with poultry, pasta with red sauce, seafood, and grilled vegetables.


One of my endearing fantasies is to sneak in to a wine competition and spike the cheapest bottles of sauvignon blanc with a couple of drops each of apricot juice.

Then sit back and watch the fun.

18 comments:

gravedodger said...

Some years ago whilst in the darklands of the Wairarapa we attended a wine tasting group run by the Licencing Trust Wholesale.
As long time consumers of various wine varieties based solely on we like what we like it was a way to access and sometimes purchase what impressed.

One memorable evening we were seated middle second row and the first up was a NZ Riesling. A late arrival dressed in toff's clothes with attitude to match ended up on the end of front row and hence was the first to taste the first offering. After a flourishing display of sight, nose and taste declared it a very good wine. we were somewhat delayed and before getting it anywhere near our faces immediately called manager and mate Bill over and quietly told him it was seriously "corked". Of four bottles of the riesling 3 were the same, statistically rare, but I don't think Toff had any idea. Looked great though. LOL

Anonymous said...

When in doubt about describing a wine, just start describing someone in the room who you don't really like.

Kohicorberbottleshop.co.nz said...

Why would anyone expect apricot or grapefruit in a Sav Blanc? Both will be artificial flavours, the "citrus" will be added acids, the apricot a mistake ( it should have gone into the Viognier).
James McGehan
KohiCorner Bottle Shop and veteran of 45 years in the wine bizimeti

The Veteran said...

Ever seen the garbage written about the Queen Adelaide retailng at $5.60 a bottle or 2 for $10.

Anonymous said...

Years ago when I was a student I worked as a bar-tender. There was a know-all old guy who used to come in regularly and claim to be able to distinguish between a number of Scotch Whiskys. We had the same whisky in each bottle so it was a private joke. One night we gave him a flat ginger ale, and as he swilled through his teeth he announced it was "100 Pipers!"

Cadwallader

FAIRFACTS MEDIA said...

Talking about sauv blanc, I'm not too keen on those new bubbly varieties.
The St Clair Vicar's Choice version from Pak N Save is quite disgusting.
Best stick to the straight Wither Hills but those Brancott Estate Reserves bubbles aren't too bad, but avoid the sparkling pinot noir.

Shane Ponting said...

Here's a question - if you know absolutely nothing about wine but would like to know something where do you start or rather how do you inform yourself (without drinking every single kind of wine which is what I was otherwise going to do)?

Judge Holden said...

Yep, Fairy knows his cheap plonk all right. Two bottles a day for 25 years....

kevin said...

Most important wine purchase element for me? Screw top cap...

Anonymous said...

It's one of my faint hopes to see a wine description along the lines of "beautiful nose and a taste not unlike ripe grapes"

George

smttc said...

Anyway fuck this shit Adolf. Last time I party voted, even you gave support to, ACT to get them across the line in support of National.

What was is your prognosis this time.

Two ticks National? Or will Mr Banks win Epsom?

Perhaps your next post?

SHG said...

Please Adolf, have some pity. I have to write stuff like that :(

Anonymous said...

Of course, their grammar isn't a strong point.

Flashman said...

After a couple of glasses, these pretentious wine wankers could be drinking jet fuel for all the difference it makes.

I've also switched drinks on these clowns whilst serving at catering functions [around the time the ties are loosened, the faces are red and voices are at full volume] and none of them picked up on the fact.

Matthew Hooton said...

But that's an excellent description. It's clearly describing the Naked Mountain 07, although personal I would have described it more as an "end of season" grapfruit flavour rather than "ripe" but, then again, by the time you're on the second bottle, who gives a fuck?

The Veteran said...

This is true I kid you not.

A teacher colleague of mine (and ok, this two decades ago) moonlighting at a well known West Auckland (note West Auckland) restaurant was serving at a wedding reception. White was on offer.

A couple of guests asked for red. She went to the Manager and asked for some. He said they didn't have any but that she should decant a couple of the whites into a carafe and lace it with cochineal and "the buggers won't know any difference".

True story.

Adolf Fiinkensein said...

Matthew, it was actually taken from an American label. Sounded like a kinda Chinese fruit salad.

David said...

More than one bartender of my acquaintance has admitted to blending cask red and cask white to create the "house Rose"