Saturday, November 22, 2008

Blogging for dummies. Live update 12.45 p.m Saturday.

Having spent a couple of years doing this now and being a keen student of the “blogging” condition I thought it was time for some guidelines for commenting and posting on blogs..

1. Choose a witty sobriquet. Something which makes you sound clever, preferably a character from an obscure novel. If you haven’t read a book use a character from a film.

2. Pick up on grammar or spelling mistakes to emphasise your point. If you haven't got a point choose one from someone even angrier than you.

3. Use a straw man to make everyone who says anything reasonable sound like they are advocating child murder. If you don't know what a straw man is, you are probably using one anyway so don't worry.

4. Exaggerate, misquote and mislead. Deliberately misconstrue simple points in order to emphasise their advocacy of a position they were not taking.

5. Lend legitimacy to your argument by using the following expressions: guardianista, NuLab dear leader. This will instantly confound MPs and impress your blogging chums.

6. If you're in danger of talking about the issues, remember you're on shaky ground, back away. In fact its probably safer if you avoid this risk altogether by not reading the original post.

7. Talk about some mythical age in which this country hadnt had it so good. Usually before there were any immigrants or before social welfare became a 20 billion dollar a year entity..

8. If all that fails reduce everything to 1984. Pick a theme and repeat it over and over again until the internet ceases to exist, or were all dead, or whatever it is that you're sure is going to happen happens. This is a sure fire way to deal with your crushing sexual inadequacy

9. Post a pompous long-winded and convoluted reply that nobody can be arsed reading, so they probably won't bother refuting it. They will just reply that you are a wanker and so one wins the moral high ground!
Courtesy of Oswald

10. Accuse anyone who made a devastating and witty critique that completely blew your point out of the water to be posting under a fake name. Suggest they are really someone that your friends don't like.

11. Post as anonymous and then complain when other people allege that the other anonymous's comments are yours.

12. When you do spot something that most people don't understand but you do, find a way of making a clever statement demonstrating your superior understanding. (Even if it has no bearing whatsoever on the topic just as as long as people think you are cleverer than them)
Courtesy of Madeliene

13. If in doubt, especially good when you simply lack the ability to respond and you know you are outgunned, invoke the never fail technique of calling everyone hate-filled, intolerant, bigots and wonder out loud where all their venom comes from.

14. When discovering someone's post or comment too late to implement 2.-13. (because of wide-spread link and comment support) throw your toys out of the cot and point out, anonymously of course, that the National have not yet removed the draconian legislation affronting freed speech and you will have their site torn down.

Courtesy of Matt

15. If a woman says something you don't like attack her appearance and shaggability. Either call her a fat, ugly, smelly, ham-burger, stuffing heifer or make a llewd suggestions and set up a poll on her sex appeal.

16. Psychoanalyse your opponent. Refer to their upbringing, their relationship with their father, how much they were breast-fed, their attraction to fire and their alleged sexual inadequacies.


17. Godwin's law; find an analogy between the person you disagree with and Hitler (or Muldoon if you want a kiwiana version).


We have tapped a rich vein here, the latest three offerings are from Madeleine again

18. Start referring to excreta in your post or comment. i.e. "Pooping in the mouth of democracy".
OH DEAR, this "offering" courtesy of OECD



These lessons are obviously working very well for many in NZ.
Points 2,3 and 4 are most often seen at Kiwiblog by commenter’s and at the standard by posters.
Point 5 is a trait of right leaning commenter’s (myself included, but I am trying to stop!)
I am sure some of you could add to this list.. post them in comments and I will update the post highlighting your brilliance.

And yes, I did nick this list. But the clown I nicked it from is a complete suckhole, so no hat tip will be offered.

25 comments:

PM of NZ said...

#6 is my forte, but hey, blogging is supposed to fun.

Barnsley Bill said...

me too PM, it is the most benign trait.

Psycho Milt said...

Oswald wins my vote for best implementation of point 1. How many Michael Moorcock readers are out there these days?

I'm an expert at point 2, if I do say so myself.

Anonymous said...

I didn't get to be where I am without ....

Oswald Bastable said...

9- Post a pompous long-winded and convoluted reply that nobody can be arsed reading, so they probably won't bother refuting it. They will just reply that you are a wanker and so one wins the moral high ground!

Oswald Bastable said...

PM- there are so many Moorcock readers out there that you are the second in about eight years to figure that out!

expat said...

Hmmm, soggy biscuit just finished lads?

Anonymous said...

you won't give credit, so what does that make you.
a super suck hole?

Madeleine said...

8. sounds like most of the people I went to law school with at Waikato. Sadly it also sounds like most of the lecturers too.

Isn't 3. really a sub-species of 4.?
(Working example of 12. below)

Seeing as Oswald did 9. (so true) here are some more:

10. Accuse anyone who made a devastating and witty critique that completely blew your point out of the water to be posting under a fake name. Suggest they are really someone that your friends don't like.

11. Post as anonymous and then complain when other people allege that the other anonymous's comments are yours.

12. When you do spot something that most people don't understand but you do, find a way of making a clever statement demonstrating your superior understanding. (Even if it has no bearing whatsoever on the topic just as as long as people think you are cleverer than them)

Barnsley Bill said...

Anonymong, I always offer credit where it is due. However the twat who posted this in comments on a uk blog was also lacking the wit to create a user name and posted as anonymong as well.
Updates added with credit to Mr scary gun nut and Madeleine.

Matt said...

13. If in doubt, especially good when you simply lack the ability to respond and you know you are outgunned, invoke the never fail technique of calling everyone hate-filled, intolerant, bigots and wonder out loud where all their venom comes from.

14. When discovering someone's post or comment too late to implement 2.-13. (because of wide-spread link and comment support) throw your toys out of the cot and point out, anonymously of course, that the National have not yet removed the draconian legislation affronting freed speech and you will have their site torn down.

Barnsley Bill said...

Thanks Matt duly uploaded. I particularly like 14.

Madeleine said...

Matt was speaking from experience. Check out the comments section here for live examples of 14. (and 13.): Fisking Grant Robertson

Hysterical!

Barnsley Bill said...

I have had a look and it is indeed very funny.

Madeleine said...

Thought of some more - am halfway through linking to this myself but I keep thinking of more:

15. If a woman says something you don't like attack her appearance and shaggability. Either call her a fat, ugly, smelly, ham-burger, stuffing heifer or make a llewd suggestions and set up a poll on her sex appeal.

16. Psychoanalyse your opponent. Refer to their upbringing, their relationship with their father, how much they were breast-fed, their attraction to fire and their alleged sexual inadequacies.

Finally, and I can't believe no one thought of this one til now:

17. Godwin's law; find an analogy between the person you disagree with and Hitler (or Muldoon if you want a kiwiana version).

OECD rank 22 kiwi said...

18. Start referring to excreta in your post or comment. i.e. "Pooping in the mouth of democracy".

Barnsley Bill said...

Thanks madeleine, post updated again.

Barnsley Bill said...

And it is also a bit sobering to note how many of these rules I have used myself when commenting.. A moment of quiet reflection is needed methinks.

Barnsley Bill said...

Thanks OECD, 18 is in...

LaFemme said...

You all listed so many ways not to communicate that I am now worried (almost afraid, really) about trying to communicate on this blog.
Is this truly the intended purpose?
And aren't cultural and historical reference points important in relating to one another?
Quite frankly, I do see parallels to 1984 in today's world, and shades of Hitlerism poking out here and there.
This is LaFemme, by the way.
P.S. Technno peasant alert! When I tried to post yesterday, I don't know what I did wrong, but it came up as "I said" rather than my username.

Barnsley Bill said...

La Femme, you are very welcome to comment here. This is the weekend where matters politic seem to take a back seat. Due mainly to the fact that most of the red team take the weekend off, which confirms what many us suspect ... that their normal employment is based around some govt funded make work for dickheads scheme. You probably came up as "you said" because you were not logged into your preferred user nick.

LaFemme said...

Ahhh, now I get it -- Thanks Barnsley.
I will remind myself in the future not to post of an evening when I've been into the cooking sherry.

P.S. I still think that list of don't and don't sounds like it came straight from the wet dreams of leftist beaurocrats hell bent on undermining critical debate...you know, kinda like hate speech laws do.
But, hey, that's just my view.
Nevertheless, thanks for the reassurance of welcome.

Madeleine said...

The weekend might be quiet but the Special votes have come in so thats something to blog about.

Johnboy said...

Achtung achtung I prefer all of the 18 options to be used at the same time if space permits but Herr Barnsley Bill (or should I be calling you Nuremburg Wilhelm) 17 is my favourite.

WAKE UP said...

I volunteer no 19: have ONE answer that covers EVERYTHING, and post it incessantly.

And while I'm not admitting to any of the points posted so far, I can say that I've certainly been No. 4'd a few times.

Oh, and 15 should be 15a, with 15b reading: if a man, refer to his to dick.