Blogging for dummies. Live update 12.45 p.m Saturday.

Having spent a couple of years doing this now and being a keen student of the “blogging” condition I thought it was time for some guidelines for commenting and posting on blogs..

1. Choose a witty sobriquet. Something which makes you sound clever, preferably a character from an obscure novel. If you haven’t read a book use a character from a film.

2. Pick up on grammar or spelling mistakes to emphasise your point. If you haven't got a point choose one from someone even angrier than you.

3. Use a straw man to make everyone who says anything reasonable sound like they are advocating child murder. If you don't know what a straw man is, you are probably using one anyway so don't worry.

4. Exaggerate, misquote and mislead. Deliberately misconstrue simple points in order to emphasise their advocacy of a position they were not taking.

5. Lend legitimacy to your argument by using the following expressions: guardianista, NuLab dear leader. This will instantly confound MPs and impress your blogging chums.

6. If you're in danger of talking about the issues, remember you're on shaky ground, back away. In fact its probably safer if you avoid this risk altogether by not reading the original post.

7. Talk about some mythical age in which this country hadnt had it so good. Usually before there were any immigrants or before social welfare became a 20 billion dollar a year entity..

8. If all that fails reduce everything to 1984. Pick a theme and repeat it over and over again until the internet ceases to exist, or were all dead, or whatever it is that you're sure is going to happen happens. This is a sure fire way to deal with your crushing sexual inadequacy

9. Post a pompous long-winded and convoluted reply that nobody can be arsed reading, so they probably won't bother refuting it. They will just reply that you are a wanker and so one wins the moral high ground!
Courtesy of Oswald

10. Accuse anyone who made a devastating and witty critique that completely blew your point out of the water to be posting under a fake name. Suggest they are really someone that your friends don't like.

11. Post as anonymous and then complain when other people allege that the other anonymous's comments are yours.

12. When you do spot something that most people don't understand but you do, find a way of making a clever statement demonstrating your superior understanding. (Even if it has no bearing whatsoever on the topic just as as long as people think you are cleverer than them) Courtesy of Madeliene

13. If in doubt, especially good when you simply lack the ability to respond and you know you are outgunned, invoke the never fail technique of calling everyone hate-filled, intolerant, bigots and wonder out loud where all their venom comes from.

14. When discovering someone's post or comment too late to implement 2.-13. (because of wide-spread link and comment support) throw your toys out of the cot and point out, anonymously of course, that the National have not yet removed the draconian legislation affronting freed speech and you will have their site torn down.
Courtesy of Matt

15. If a woman says something you don't like attack her appearance and shaggability. Either call her a fat, ugly, smelly, ham-burger, stuffing heifer or make a llewd suggestions and set up a poll on her sex appeal.

16. Psychoanalyse your opponent. Refer to their upbringing, their relationship with their father, how much they were breast-fed, their attraction to fire and their alleged sexual inadequacies.


17. Godwin's law; find an analogy between the person you disagree with and Hitler (or Muldoon if you want a kiwiana version).

We have tapped a rich vein here, the latest three offerings are from Madeleine again

18. Start referring to excreta in your post or comment. i.e. "Pooping in the mouth of democracy".
OH DEAR, this "offering" courtesy of OECD



These lessons are obviously working very well for many in NZ.
Points 2,3 and 4 are most often seen at Kiwiblog by commenter’s and at the standard by posters.
Point 5 is a trait of right leaning commenter’s (myself included, but I am trying to stop!)
I am sure some of you could add to this list.. post them in comments and I will update the post highlighting your brilliance.

And yes, I did nick this list. But the clown I nicked it from is a complete suckhole, so no hat tip will be offered.