Wednesday, October 31, 2007

something for the 'homophobes' to think about

Some weeks ago, I blogged about a very good friend who fell from my balcony.
He had got into an emotional state because he had not heard from his partner, a male, for quite some time as he attended a family event.
The partner was in the closet, so found it hard to leave his family, even just for a few minutes, to contact my mate, his beloved.
Now, we have been told the partner, a young guy in his late 20s, has died in a car accident.
But we haven't seen anything in any of the papers, nor anything online.
My mate is reluctant to contact the family as they do not know who he is. As he says , he is 'nothing' to the family. They do not know he even existed. How can he pay his respects at the funeral when his likely behaviour would expose the fact that the deceased had a boyfriend?
Indeed, unbeknown to them, my mate had an insurance policy on his partner, so is in a position to pay the funeral expenses. But he does not want to 'out' his late partner. My mate says he does not want the insurance money either as it won't bring his partner back.
But being unable to find out what is going on, pay his respects and play a full role in the process makes his torment all the worse.
We can have our laughs poking fun at lesbians wanting to open an 'old dykes' home, but we need to consider the implications of 'homophobic' comments like saying lesbian mayors are 'depraved'.
It forces people into the closet. So the late partner of my friend felt unable to contact my mate, leading him to get into such a state that he fell off my balcony. Now, it means my friend is unable to pay his respects and have a proper role in the burial of his beloved.
The pair just wanted to live together in their own place. Have their own unit or family. They do/did not want to undermine 'traditional' values, as gays are accused of on other blogs. They wanted such a lifestyle themselves. To be together and be happy. Had they been able to do so, the deceased might not have been driving last weekend.
So to the 'homophobes' out there. Think of the potential impact of the comments you make and how it affects people.


KG said...

On one level I agree with you that this is a sad story, FF.
But on another, it's just another of life's cruel ironies that can affect any of us at any time and to blame anti-homosexual people for it is a bit much.
As for them wanting a family--there are some real and perfectly valid objections to that, regardless of how one feels about homosexual partnerships.
(and before somebody accuses me of being "phobic" about homosexuals--I'm most certainly not.)

Seamonkey Madness said...

He must have been really distracted to fall from a balcony. Balconies tend to be pretty high (and usually have a railing), so was it more of a deck?

That aside, how is he anyway - nothing serious I hope? Awful, dreadful situation to be put in though, be it because of colour, creed or sex.

Reminds me of an episode of ER, with a near exact situation. He was visiting in hospital, had insurance to pay the medical bills. Then is family came in, thanked his 'best friend' for helping out but they would keep watch over him until he died. V. sad.

Regardless, it would have been best for everyone involved for it to be all 'out' in the open from the get-go. If his family didn't want to be involved with him, simply because of who he chose to sleep with, their loss; he would have still been with his partner.
Take that with a grain of salt, as I don't know the entire state of affairs.

mojo said...

Oh dear. In the early 70's I had an intense relationship with a 'little china girl.' Parental dogma on both sides meant it was a non starter and to both families it was, 'we're just good friends.' Ulimately we both extremely reluctantly walked away from it rather than cause the hurt and diassociation it would involve ... not having the 'courage of one's convictions, I don't know?
Cry me a river, fairfacts ...I always wondered how long it would take before the agenda arose.
Generalising from the individual to society at large ... I just don't know?
Bespoiling the memories of others after death through not having the courage to 'out' whilst alive ... sort of redefines 'bitch slapping' doesn't it?
But then perhaps blaming society for this predicament, when it is legal now, there are civil unions to celebrate such, discriminating on the basis of such behaviour is illegal ... oh, but doing so now is probably quite cathartic and certainly self righteously conceals that ambivalence and lack of conviction at the time.
What a 'croc of agenda-ised shit' and 'pushing the 'new age sensitivity line' with it.
I think you've dragged the blog into the Benson-papally defined 'yes mistress' interpretation of 'yes minister' ... or perhaps that is a tad too obscure for you?

Cactus Kate said...

Horrible story and highlights the issues that gay and indeed heterosexual defacto partners had before relationships are recognised.

There are plenty of ways to make sure your mate can pay for his mate's funeral. Just lie to the family and say he was a business partner of your friend and he had an insurance policy on him. Failing that, is there not a sister/brother/niece or nephew that the money can be left to in your mate's partners name? Or in a trust for similar?

Chances are the family (at least the younger members) knew all along he was gay, they just didn't talk about it.

mojo said...

Aha, life & love in the twilight zone.

Andrei said...

I am sorry to hear of your friend's troubles Fairfax.

But troubles are the lot of mankind, black or white, Greek or Jew, male or female, gay: out or closeted and straight.

Whether or not your friends partner disclosed his sexuality to his family lies with him, his choice and the responsibility of his family to deal with as they deem fit. - to say it is a result of homophobia is to deny people the freedom to criticize or query lifestyles that they may not approve of.

The same issues could and do arise with religious choices, political affiliations or even leisure activities.

For example if Prince William adopted Catholicism what consequence of disclosure of this?

Fact of life old chum. Victimology is a tool of left wing thinking.


Thanks for the comments and advice, even from those I might not agree with on this particular issue.
My point is that if people's attitudes were more tolerant, the heartache facing my friend would not be as great.
And he and his late partner could have spent time together in happiness.
Apologies KG if you thought I meant they might want kids, but no, my definition of 'family' is perhaps a bit wider than yours.
In this case it would be the pair of them, perhaps with a few pets.
They just wanted to live the same life as anyone else, mindingn their own business and not impacting on anyone.
Yes, the deceased should have had the courage of his convictions to inform his family of his sexuality.
But it is attitudes expressed by people making 'anti-gay' comments or those possessed by the family of the deceased that sometimes make it hard/impossible for the some people to 'come out.'
Had attitudes been different, then the deceased would have found 'coming out' easier, they could have lived together and my mate could have played a proper role in helping the family deal with their loss.
If wanting people to be more accepting of others is 'an agenda', then it is one I plead guilty to.
Cactus, thanks for those finacial suggestions too.
Finally, Andrei, while appreciating your comments too, I would argue that allowing people to live their own lives as God or Gaia created them, rather than force them to live a certain way, a lie even, to fall into the strictures of certain elements of society, might be more right wing / libertarian thinking.

KG said...

No apology necessary, FF. The fault is mine for making that assumption.
Your concern for your friend does you great credit--would that more people were so caring.

Psycho Milt said...

"But it is attitudes expressed by people making 'anti-gay' comments or those possessed by the family of the deceased that sometimes make it hard/impossible for the some people to 'come out.'
Had attitudes been different, then the deceased would have found 'coming out' easier, they could have lived together and my mate could have played a proper role in helping the family deal with their loss."
At last something we can agree on! Good on you for posting this.

Sean said...

I don't actually note any homophobes in this story unless _assuming_ the family are homophobes equates to them actually being homophobes. Bit of an assumption isn't it? Chances are they probably weren't but he was too weak to go through the embarrasment of telling them, especially if he was young...? May not have been the scenario, but quite viable.

However, maybe it is society at large that are the homophpopes. Hmmm, as usual with the leftie/victim mentality, it is never their responsibility. Always someone elses.

Anonymous said...

Earlier this year a long time mate of mine "came out" 55 yrs old married for 25 years 2 adult children .New partner is 35 yrs old married with 2 young children After the initall shock I found myself taking a very different line than I had in the past. Im a lot more tolerant than I used to be


Redbaiter said...

"There are plenty of ways to make sure your mate can pay for his mate's funeral. Just lie to the family"

Some people don't like lying Kate. Funny that, aint it?

Cactus Kate said...


Yeah, you'd be just the c**t in this situation who for the first time in his miserable life would tell the truth therefore go against everything the guy wanted his family to think about him.

Everyone lies. This is a situation where it is totally justified.