Tuesday, July 17, 2007

North Shore storm report

I received this today. Entirely accurate of course. All donations gladly accepted. Cheques can be sent to the Northcote Branch of Act - the party of North Shore millionaires according to Winston a few years back.

The major storm that hit the North Shore this week left residents
reeling in its wake.

Strong winds cut power to a number of areas, leaving householders
baffled. One man was seen carrying his plasma screen up the street
looking for somewhere to plug it in.

Others suffered horrific losses. "I've driven from Milford to Rothesey
Bay and I can't find a soy latte anywhere," sobbed a distraught woman.

Phone lines to landscape gardeners were clogged by anxious callers
needing immediate assistance. "My Pacific fusion courtyard has been filled with my neighbour's Californian succulents - what should I do?"

Property owners are being advised to stay calm and read landscaping magazines until help arrives.

The storm damage has left some residents philosophical.

"It was about time I changed my garden art," said one Devonport man.
"With my insurance payout I'll be able to get the very latest in
limestone geometric figures while my neighbours are still stuck with
their out-dated stainless steel sculptures. It's an ill wind, eh?"

Many drivers are finding their 4 wheel drive vehicles invaluable in
the trying conditions. One man admitted he had driven right over
workers clearing fallen trees from the road and had hardly felt a
thing.

Rescue organisations have been quick to respond to the disaster. A
Starbucks tanker is calling on housebound residents, and catering
companies are rushing spit-roasting equipment to the area to provide hot venison paninis for those in need. Mobile cell-phone charging trucks will be on hand over the next few days until full power is restored.

Those outside Auckland who wish to help are encouraged to send gift vouchers for Hermes or Louis Vuitton, to speed the healing process through retail therapy. Or you can phone 0900 SHORETORISE to make a tax-deductible $500 donation.

Please - these people need help.

Really.

2 comments:

Adolf Fiinkensein said...

Some residents of Northbridge Retirement 'Village' in Akoranga Drive still do not have hot water, a week after the evnt.

Who's conning whom?

Anonymous said...

You have only scraped the surface of the true problem. It is horrible that Takapuna residents should be left without power. I mean, it's not like we're in South Auckland with the common folk.